republicansanddemocrats

PROS AND
CONS OF THE
TOP 40
PRESIDENTIAL
CANDIDATES.

from mcsweeneys:

REPUBLICANS:

1.

RUDY GIULIANI

Pro: Unifying force after 9/11; articulate speaker.

Con: The whole "pro-choice, pro-gun-control, New Yorker, used to live with gay dudes, adultery" thing might hurt him with conservatives. A bit.

2.

JOHN MCCAIN

Pro: Comforting resemblance to character actor Gavin MacLeod.

Con: Murray from The Mary Tyler Moore Show lacked leadership qualities and Captain Stubing from Love Boat got a little goofy whenever Charo was a guest star, leaving executive branch vulnerable to Charo impersonators who are actually Al Qaeda operatives.

3.

MITT ROMNEY

Pro: Named after Mittens, the family cat, later shortening name to "Mitt." People love cats.

Con: Religious beliefs could create problems, as many Americans may not be ready to accept worshiper of ancient Egyptian god Ra.

4.

ZOMBIE RONALD REAGAN

Pro: Probably the most Reaganesque candidate available; if stoked with the brains of the living, should operate in an acceptable fashion.

Con: Long-dead eyes lack that magic twinkle; inhuman groans negatively impact "Great Communicator" status.

5.

FRED "TOMMY" THOMPSON

Pro: Diverse résumé includes stints as governor of Wisconsin, senator from Tennessee, cabinet secretary, and several TV acting gigs.

Con: Contractually bound to appear in all 319 Law & Order programs currently in production.

6.

MIKE HUCKABEE

Pro: Lost 110 pounds due to health concerns, potentially allowing him to serve as healthy example for overweight Americans.

Con: Those 110 pounds have reconstituted into a diminutive all-fat Democratic consultant who knows Huckabee's every move.

7.

SAM BROWNBACK

Pro: Serves as a positive role model for ethnic brownbacks all over the country.

Con: Such an ethnicity does not technically exist; lacks the pen-gripping power of Kansas Senate predecessor Bob Dole.

8.

NEWT GINGRICH

Pro: Well known.

Con: See above.

9.

EDDIE VAN HALEN

Pro: I tell you what, he would bring the nations of the world together through ROCK! He'd be all deedly-deedly-deedly-DEE-DEE-DEE! on his guitar and the bosses of the other countries would be all, "Whoa! Let's stop fighting and start rocking!"

Con: Drunken wretched mess.

10.

DUNCAN HUNTER

Pro: Appears to be some sort of politician who wants to be president, I guess. That's all anyone in the entire nation knows about him, including himself and his family.

Con: Born with two last names, though this liability could be mitigated by teaming with Texas Representative Ron Paul, who is also running.

11.

ROBOTIC SUPER BEES

Pro: Programmed mandate to destroy enemies with unrelenting deadly force could be an advantage in contentious general-election fight and when facing down hostile nations or other bees.

Con: Murderous instinct less advantageous in delicate diplomatic negotiations and the parsing of complex tariff issues.

12.

BIGFOOT

Pro: Available; independent; tall.

Con: Elusive; smelly; once elected he could disappear into the woods around Camp David and we'd never see him again.

13.

YOUR MAMA

Pro: Strong personality; nurturer; kind; strict when she has to be; always shows up at soccer games or school plays; skilled at managing a busy family.

Con: Upon her election, nation would be instantly vulnerable to any number of verbal attacks about president being so fat, so ugly, so stupid, etc.

14.

OHIO STATE CENTER GREG ODEN

Pro: Size; soft hands; positive attitude; high basketball IQ; given America's recent losses abroad, nation is automatically eligible for first pick in upcoming draft, so he will be available.

Con: Once his rookie contract is up, Oden would be free to sign with any other nation on the planet for bigger money.

15.

KENNY LOGGINS

Pro: Is all right; therefore, no one needs to worry about him.

Con: Gonna take you right into the danger zone.

16.

CHUCK HAGEL

Pro: Could potentially deliver his home state of Nebraska to the Republicans.

Con: Risks losing votes of near-sighted supporters of Kierkegaard, Schopenhauer, Heidegger, and Nietzsche who think the ballot says "Hegel."

17.

A HUGE BARREL OF OIL

Pro: Coveted; influential; beloved by business community; understood by allies and enemies alike.

Con: Unlikely to support biodiesel-fuel development in the Midwest, potentially hurting chances in Iowa primary; slick.

18.

A WOMAN OF SOME SORT

Pro: Could win support of other women.

Con: Women are not allowed to join the Republican Party.

19.

CHEERS

Pro: Pretty funny show to watch when there's nothing else on.

Con: Frustrated voters may want to be able to pick and choose which part of the show to vote for, preferring the Shelley Long years over the Kirstie Alley years or stocking up on mostly Lilith episodes, but it doesn't work like that. You have to vote for the whole show.

20.

OHIO

Pro: Could deliver crucial votes in Ohio.

Con: President would spend way too much time agonizing over the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame; sleeping arrangements in new White House, which would span hundreds of square miles, could get contentious.

DEMOCRATS:

1.

HILLARY CLINTON

Pro: Known commodity; strong fundraiser.

Con: Polarizing; unlikely to woo those already opposed to her.

2.

BARACK OBAMA

Pro: Articulate; resembles foxy actor Blair Underwood.

Con: L.A. Law was kind of overrated now that you think about it.

3.

JOHN EDWARDS

Pro: Has strong appeal to working-class voters.

Con: As a resident of two Americas, he must raise twice as much money and spend twice as much time campaigning.

4.

BILL RICHARDSON

Pro: Appeals to all Latino voters with the last name "Richardson."

Con: New Mexico is legally part of Mexico; therefore, he's constitutionally ineligible.

5.

JOE BIDEN

Pro: Technically still running for president.

Con: Dude. Come on.

6.

DICK CHENEY
IN AN ELABORATE LATEX DISGUISE
THAT TAKES FIVE HOURS TO APPLY

Pro: Trojan horse, my friend. Trojan fucking horse.

Con: Ruse would be so exciting that he would surely drop dead of a massive stroke about a month before Iowa.

7.

OPTIMUS PRIME

Pro: Size; power; ability to emit short-range optic blasts.

Con: Potential attack ad: "Sometimes Optimus Prime is a robot, other times a truck. Which is it, Mr. Prime? America deserves a leader that doesn't transform whenever it's convenient."

8.

ROSS PEROT

Pro: Hilarity.

Con: None.

9.

DENNIS KUCINICH

Pro: Solid anti-war stance; adorable; strong to the finich.

Con: Election laws limit magical pixies to only one term in office.

10.

JIMMY CARTER

Pro: Nobel Prize winner; available; just as good at not knowing what the hell to do about Iran as anyone else.

Con: Judging by photos, approximately 415 years old.

11.

ALLEN IVERSON

Pro: Instant offense.

Con: Selfish with the ball; may have lost a step.

12.

IRA GLASS

Pro: Thoughtful; self-effacing; like many Americans, enjoys cable television.

Con: At present, no budget line item exists for moody introspective music to underscore every statement president makes in order to make it sound more poignant.

13.

BONO

Pro: Knowledgeable about global health issues; everyone seems to like him; Joshua Tree album.

Con: Too busy hugging everyone to actually execute the duties of office; no one likes the sound of "Vice President the Edge" or "Secretary of Health and Human Services Larry Mullen Jr."; the whole "Zoo TV" thing.

14.

AL GORE

Pro: Knows how to get to the White House, where to park, location of restrooms.

Con: Wants to accomplish something meaningful.

15.

WALTER MONDALE

Pro: Has spent last 22 years going over tape, reviewing mistakes, plotting, scheming, waiting, watching, preparing to pounce like a 79-year-old Minnesotan panther.

Con: None.

16.

JESUS CHRIST

Pro: Could draw some initial interest from the Christian right until they research his actual positions in a deeper way; likable; strong leadership qualities.

Con: Unkempt; pretty far left; messianic complex.

17.

THAT ONE GUY WHO
SEEMED REALLY COOL

Pro: Remember? He was a senator or congressman or something? It was a while ago. He seemed super-smart but also normal. I saw him this one time.

Con: Crap, what was his name? Or was it a lady? Do you know who I'm talking about? Crap.

18.

ZOMBIE LYNDON JOHNSON

Pro: Could sway red-state voters as well as Fangoria crowd; '60s-era campus unrest has died down.

Con: Tendency to groan instead of talk could hurt chances in live debates; constant need to feed on fresh brains could limit campaigning.

19.

OPRAH WINFREY

Pro: Popular; influential; could rally the silent masses already violently opposed to Jonathan Franzen.

Con: May only exacerbate nationwide Maya Angelou plague that has decimated much of the nation.

20.

YOU

Pro: Gained valuable exposure as Time magazine's Person of the Year; seems to be Internet-savvy.

Con: Ever since the Time thing, you've been awfully smug.